For safety reason it’s important children can do what their parents ask when they ask.
So what should parents do when they ignore them or does the opposite to what is asked?
Is there really an effective way to get kids to do what they’re asked?
There is, the key is to use natural consequences. Not punishment, not anger, not nagging but natural consequences.
"Isn't that just another (nicer)way of saying punishment? What's the difference?"
"If you don't pack up your toys there will be no swimming tomorrow" is a punishment and not a natural consequence as the packing up of the toys has nothing at all to do with swimming.
A natural consequence looks like this:
I will use the bath example I often use as it explains this approach so clearly and parents can use the principle in many different situations.
Here's the scene: It's bath-time, parents have been concerned about the child standing up and jumping about in the bath and have now decided that when in the bath the child must sit.
How then to implement this using a natural consequences approach?
When getting your child ready for the bath state clearly that when in the bath the child must sit.
Once that direction has been given what happens if they continue to stand?
Using natural consequences the child if not sitting, gets out.
So let's look in a little more detail as to how a natural consequence might work in this practical example.
Before the child gets into the bath you explain that they must sit. For example, "sweetheart when you get into the bath you must sit down (as it's slippery and therefore dangerous...)" make eye contact and touch the child gently ensuring that you are connecting and engaging with the child.
Put the child into the bath and if they are standing wait a few moments and then say " remember what I said about sitting down? Would you like me to help you sit down or can you sit down all by yourself?"
Again wait a moment for the child to respond, if nothing happens ask , "have you decided to get out now?" If they continue to stand remove them from the bath. Do it gently and kindly.
Here is where tone is really, really important, do not admonish the child, merely acknowledge their decision. "OK you decided to have a very short bath tonight so let's get you dried and dressed in your pyjamas so we can choose a story (or whatever is the routine)"
The child is not being punished,the parent is accepting the child’s decision to get out. The parent’s decision is that the children may not stand in the bath.
If your little one screams and wants to get back into the bath you can on night one or two as they are learning the new routine pleasantly say something like ..."Oh you would like to sit down in the bath, let's try that shall we?" This only applies on night one and two (at most).
On subsequent nights do not give a 'chance' as this will just become the established routine just say pleasantly "oh bath time is finished tonight, you can decide tomorrow if you want to sit and play in the bath"… then move on quickly to the next part of your evening routine.
Don't go on about it, don't explain it all over again, move on - all the while keeping a light pleasant tone.
The next evening start anew, simply state "sweetheart remember what we talked about, when you get into the bath you must sit down (as it's slippery and therefore dangerous...)" again make eye contact and touch the child gently. No reference to not sitting or consequences. Again you can say something like 'shall I help you sit down or can you sit all by yourself?" Wait a moment for the child to comply. If the child continues to stand again take them out and move on, just remarking gently that you see they've chosen to have a very short bath.
No repeated warnings, no threats or admonishment just respect for the choice the child makes within the clear boundaries you have provided.
Once you state clearly that when in the bath the child must sit, the natural consequence is that the child if not sitting, gets out.
The same principle applies to many many situations, sitting on the swing, getting into bed for story-time, sitting at the table while eating, sitting during story-time at the library, washing hands before eating, wearing a sunhat to play outside.
It's really important that once you have decided that something is (or is not) to be done that you follow through.
If you don't mean it, don't say it, if you do mean it follow through.
Following through is the secret to getting a child to do what you ask. When you follow through with natural consequences, delivered lovingly, your child will know you mean what you say.
Using natural consequences increases your credibility and emphasises your trustworthiness (the child can trust you mean what you say) and who doesn't want that!